I have a confession to make. A couple weeks ago, I lied about having diabetes. I didn’t lie because I was ashamed of having diabetes, but in order to cover for my lie, I had to work really hard to hide that I had diabetes. And hiding it made me feel embarrassed and ashamed, nervous that someone would find out and prevent me from doing something that I wanted to do. People tell me about feeling this shame all the time. But it wasn’t until I experienced it first hand, that I really got a taste of the shame and embarrassment that diabetes can cause. Feeling like you have to keep something a secret leads to shame and embarrassment. I felt like I had to work really hard to keep my diabetes secret, and it sucked.

Before I go on, let me give you some context. I lied about having diabetes when I was SCUBA diving in Jamaica. When you go diving, you have to fill out this long medical form which is basically a long list of medical conditions. If you answer yes to any the questions on the medical waiver, they won’t let you dive. I know I can dive safely with diabetes – I’ve done it many times before and my dive partner (who is also my wife) and I have signals for low blood sugar and she knows what to do in case of emergency. There was no way I was going to let that question on the form stop me from enjoying my vacation.

Even though I didn’t tell the dive master I have diabetes, I checked my blood sugar before every dive. Going low 60 feet under water is the last thing I would want to do. But instead of doing it publically like I normally would, I checked in the back of the boat with my fingers inside my bag, anxious that someone would ask me what I was doing. Since I like to start my dives with a blood sugar of above 150mg/dl and don’t have any basal insulin for 45+ minutes, my blood sugar is usually high after the dive. I learned quickly that trying to hide that I was taking a shot was no easy task. Combined with being hyper-vigilant that my secret would be discovered, it made me feel pretty anxious and ashamed – ashamed that there was something about me that I had to hide in order to accomplish something that I really wanted to do.

I spend a lot of time working to help my patients feel comfortable in being open about having diabetes. I really believe that being open allows people a lot more freedom than keeping diabetes a secret. But when I found myself keeping diabetes a secret, not only did it make me more empathetic to those who have a hard time being open, but it also got me thinking about if being secretive about diabetes is ever healthy.

There’s no easy answer. I think that in most things, keeping diabetes a secret isn’t healthy. Not only can it leave folks around you in the dark about what to do in case of an emergency, but hiding diabetes is hard and takes a lot of energy. Being secretive can take your focus away from being fully present in relationships, activities and work, because your focus is on making sure that your diabetes is not out in the open. But at the same time, hiding diabetes, like I did is functional, even if it’s not ideal. Diving on vacation is important to me, and even though hiding that I have diabetes was stressful, and made me feel embarrassed, it was a means to an end. Hiding diabetes let me do something that brought me a lot of happiness and that I would not have been able to do if I told the truth.

I encourage people who hide having diabetes to think about why they are hiding it. Are they hiding because they are embarrassed, or are they hiding it because not hiding it would really prevent them from doing something they want to do (not just make them feel ashamed). For me, lying about having diabetes was not to avoid feeling ashamed (even though hiding it made me feel ashamed), but it was necessary to be able to do what I wanted to do.

Will I encourage my patients to be open with people in their lives about having diabetes? Absolutely. Will I hide having diabetes next time I go diving? Absolutely. There are no easy answers.

3 replies on “SCUBA, Secrets and Shame”

That is true, there are absolutely no easy answers. I wish there were, but there never will be I believe.

I referred your blog to the TUDiabetes.org blog page for the week of June 13, 2016.

My husband got certified for Scuba before we went to French Polynesia in 2011. I’m a type 1 diabetic (40 years now) and though I wanted to try Scuba in FP, I did not want to get certified. I talked to the PADI instructors in my home town and they gave me a form for my doctor to sign, which he did without any hesitation. I also took a one-off lesson in their pool just in case I freaked out my first time. I figured better there than in the ocean. Diabetes stopped being in issue with PADI certified diving instructors long ago. You can’t wear your pump, but any pump experienced diabetic knows how to deal with that. I dove with two different dive centres in Morea, French Polynesia and it was a non-issue both times. By coincidence the instructor I dove with at the first centre, Morea Fun Dive, told me he dove with the first type 1 diabetic to be PADI certified years ago in the Red Sea I believe it was. If a Scuba Centre kept you from diving because of T1D, I’d be concerned that they were not certified or up to date in their education and would try somewhere else.

I agree with you. In my experience, most dive shops in the Caribbean have a blanket ban, mostly out of laziness than anything else. When I got certified (in the US), my instructor was fully aware and I had all the proper documentation from my Endo. I know how to dive safely and I always dive with someone who knows what to look for if there are problems, including hand signals we can use if there are problems, so I am comfortable diving even if the dive master is not aware.

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